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REVIEW : 19th June 2002.
Star Wars Episode II : Attack of the Clones, Charity Premiere for NSPCC - Birmingham Star City cinema compex, May 2002.
A Long time Ago In A Galaxy Far Far Away....
Well, come on - how else am I going to start a review of SWEP2AOTC (which is what we shall be abbreviating Star Wars Episode II : Attack of the Clones to until I get bored and start calling it "AOTC" or more probably, "Attack")??? 'Kay, well anyway, before we get to picking the fleas of this particular monkey and eating them, let's start by explaining a little about how a lowly Assistant Resource Sub-Editor and his omnipotent Boss (true enough - MMT) ended up attending the charity premiere of one of the most notoriously-hard-to-get-tickets-to events of the year.
Thats right monkeys and monkettes, we saw it before you lot... and that includes all you other press people who read our rag! Oh yes indeed, no cacky press screening for us my little chimps : we were wined and dined before the event ; we shook hands with a bloke called Barry dressed as Boba Fett ; we took pictures of minor Birmingham celebs (did we? - MMT) AND ! had the grace not to bother recognizing any of them. HEH!
"But how, oh writer of poems, did you manage this intense feat of humungousness??", I hear you cry, even as your brains turn to jelly and start leaking out of your ears at the very thought of us scruffy oiks hobnobbing with Birmingham's brightest and best in the salubrious Warner Brothers cinema?
The answer of course - we blagged it. 'Course we blagged it, what, you think people like us get invited to things like this ? Bollocks, getting into events like this takes a quick wit, a sharp tongue, balls of steel and no small amount of Putz. All of which I have in abundance. (Except the putz, I have no idea what putz is but Jews have a lot of it... sorry - tangent. Back to the point) PUTZ!
So anyway, you don't need the details, but I will say this, if you want to blag entrance to media events remember these three phrases - 1: "I'm a journalist, you cannot harm me, my copy is like a shield of steel" - 2: "Oh please please please please please" - and 3: "Great tits ! Miles better than the rack on all those other 20th Century Fox execs, you should be in movies !"
So, tickets and press pack in hand, Mr Taylor (hello - MMT) and myself drove off to Brummie land in search of space operas. Wheee, zap, pow, WOM-WOM (that being the sound lightsabers make, WOM... WOOOOM-WOM - get a stick and try it, it's ace!)
As we wove in and out of the big lorries on the M6, our sense of excitement built. The long-awaited second episode of the Nu-Star Wars trilogy, "Attack of the Clones"! And we could see it before American geek kids, not to mention our very own pals in the MK branch of the George Lucas fan club!! And all in the name of M(onkey) K(ettle)!!!
Of course it goes without saying that the NSPCC is one of the premier UK charities, resplendent with good work and excellence, but we wouldn't really be doing our job without a proper plug - here's their website, and you can make an free online donation just by clicking a button (see the Donate-4-Free section) - what more could you want?
Ok, now I have to admit the atmosphere in the car on the way there was sort of confusing... you see, I thought The Phantom Menace was a big steaming pile of horse shit, and as such I was looking forward to the sequel about as much as people look forward to smear tests, whilst Matthew, who has no taste in movies (well, okay. but still - cheap shot - MMT), seemed generally ambivalent, but at the same time... IT'S STAR WARS MAN!!! WOOKIES, BOBA FETT, TIE FIGHTERS, SPACE BATTLES, BLOWING THE CRAP OUT OF THE DEATH STAR IN PHALLIC SPACE CRAFT IN A MISOGYNISED ANALOGY OF THE FEMALE ORGASM, MAN - DAMN! WHY DID I TAKE A DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY??? FUCK IT - WOOKIES WOOKIES WOOKIES!!! You can see the duality of our predicament.
 Simon is oppressed by Daffy Duck. For real. |
 One of the nice men who we met. His force was strong. |
Star City, for those who have never been, is apparently the UK's largest cinema complex, and with thirty screens, certainly puts The Point to shame. The centre-piece is a large airy dome, with a massive bank of escalators up to the cinema itself. Being from MK, of course, we weren't too intimidated by the plethora of eateries and suchlike spread around the base of the complex. We arrived early, stopped off in Burger King (they have a self-service drinks section! how Bohemian!), then ambled expectantly into the pre-show soiree.
After supping the warmest bottle of Sol the retarded waiter could lay his hand on (Me: "Bottle of Sol please" - Him: "We don't have Sol" - Me: "Erm... that's Sol there" - Him: "Oh! Sol!" - weirdo!) we wended our way up to the executive lounge to help ourselves to sausages on sticks, bits of cheese and free Bucks Fizz.
The Executive Suite (which was called something like "the Very Expensive Room") was suitably heaving with people, none of whom we knew. On route we had discussed who might attend such a salubrious event... Matthew Kelly was a hot favorite, as was Keith Harris. Sadly, neither were in attendance. We saw some people who were obviously famous, but why we couldn't be sure... Possibly contestants on Pop Stars who went out in the first round, or some bloke who famously attached 128 clothes pegs to their face. (I think actually they were probably local radio presenters or newsreaders from Birmingham - MMT)
We didn't know, and frankly we didn't care - we were far too busy trying to grab the people dressed as Star Wars characters! Wow! They were so cool in an utterly nerdy sort of way, I mean, there was this bloke dressed as Boba Fett and like KEWL! He actually looked like Boba Fett, but then he took his helmet off and looked like, well some Brummie. Seriously, you don't know weird until you've had a chat to Darth Maul about football in a broad Birmingham accent. We have some seriously rocking photos of Obi Wan and a Sand Man Thing sharing a pint and stuff. Oh and we met this woman who'd called her kid "Bodie Anakin" (Bodie being a reference to the Professionals)
A Crimson Guard asks Princess Leia what the Professionals has got to do with anything.
Immediately noticeable was that nobody else in this allegedly "press"-based premiere was interviewing anybody, or even looking like press. Still, we persevered. Or Simon did, at least. He made straight for the people dressed like Star Wars characters, and spun his journalistic webs around them. I stood looking out over the balcony, marvelling at how surreal life is. Admiral Ackbar came and stood next to me, slightly coyly, as if he wanted me to interview him, but I was way too nervous. Eventually he went away.
 Simon with a Sandman's helmet on. Nice. |
Thing is, I can never work out whether stuff like that's cool, or downright weird... We'll go for cool, because they seemed to have their heads screwed on - apart from the one who was trying to use the Force to pull the barmaid, who was obviously either a Sith Lord or something...
Without further ado, we filed into the cinema itself. As this was a super-special gala premiere event, we seemed to be in a Luxury screen. Certainly the chairs were very very comfy indeed, and the leg room more than adequate. I felt a slight pang of regret that I hadn't had the foresight to buy popcorn, but let these wistful feelings pass.
THE FILM ITSELF. Having been frustrated and annoyed by The Phantom Menace along with most of the world, I was hoping Attack of the Clones would be an improvement, and it was. Better acted, despite the famously dodgy script in places, better paced, better looking, just... better. Alright, C3PO is now the most annoying film character since time began, but you can't have everything. I think once people stop waiting for the true sequels to the original trilogy, and just try to enjoy these films as the only half-decent sci-fi effects fests that they are, the massive sense of disappointment many people have will dissipate.
But either way, it excited Simon and myself so much that we were able to spend the whole journey home discussing the ins and outs of the ever-more labyrinthine plot, the never-ending chain of which Jedi taught which Jedi, and the incredibility of our evening in Birmingham. Crikey. Take care now.
The links for the costumed men and lady we saw are : http://www.ukstarwarscostumingclub.tk/ (their own site) and http://www.galacticgathering.tk/ (the next place they're going to convene)...
Simon & Matthew.
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