Hey dude. Are you going to do this "ABOUT" page in the style of an imaginary conversation, like you so often do?
I don't see why not. Nothing psychologically unhealthy about that.

Okay then. So what IS Monkey Kettle, when all's said and done?
It started out, waaaaay back in 1999 as "just" a poetry magazine, a scheme to be part of bringing a bit of yer actual Literature and Cultcha to the fast-developing arts scene of Milton Keynes. As the years went by though, it became a convenient peg on which to hang other Arts projects - so NOW what Monkey Kettle IS is a Milton Keynes Arts Collective who engage in arts exhibitions, theatre productions, the local music scene, film nights, and whatever else takes their fancy. In 2009 they founded an extremely lo-lo-lo-fi record label, the thrillingly titled Monkey Kettle Records. They even have an occasional Pub Quiz team. And of course twice a year they still take the time to produce an absolute corker of a poetry magazine.

Can I ask some FAQs about specific things they do?
Yeah, why not. Or if you're interested in a general overview of the History of Monkey Kettle, you could head to the Words page where there's all sorts of stuff to look at.

		MONKEY KETTLE: THE MAGAZINE
	MONKEY KETTLE RECORDS		MONKEY KETTLE EVENTS

THE MAGAZINE What Is It? It comes out twice a year, it's a 52-page A5 black and white pamphlety thing with pretty low production values, but that seems to kind of fit our DIY old skool nature. And as it's still only £2 we like to think it offers insanely reasonable value for money. What's the deal with submitting stuff to the mag? Feel free!  Our email address is monkeykettle@hotmail.com - usual turn around for replying is four to six weeks, with occasional periods where it's even longer. Sorry - that's the downside of all the other Arts activities mentioned herein!  ;-) Seems fair enough - you clearly work very hard and ARE handsome and clever, after all. Any particular submission guidelines you'd like us to stick to? Nah, not as such. Maybe keep the poems to 5-10 at a time, short stories not much longer than the 1,500 word mark (it's not that big a mag!). We like all sorts of stuff: dark, surreal, comic, poignant, political. Depends what side of the bed we got out of. We also don't mind if you've sent stuff elsewhere, i.e. "simultaneous submissions". Indeed we also don't care if it's been published already. We're not very fussy. Though I do draw the line at emails which say "here's a link to my Blog, would you read it and use any poems you like?" - we just haven't got the time for that, I'm afraid... Is there any geographical bias when accepting submissions? Well, this whole thing is about developing the Arts and Litchritcher in Milton Keynes, after all. But even at its most MKey, I'd say no more than two-thirds of the content is made up of local writers. We've published over 350 writers over the twelve years we've been going so far, from every corner of the UK and from every continent except Antarctica. Buck up you penguins!  Due to costs we can no longer afford to send our even-better-value-for-money Free Contributor Copy to contributors overseas, but surely the kudos of appearing in Monkey Kettle must outweigh actually being able to SEE a copy!  ;-)

Now, you'd be surprised how often this next Q is A... Frequently, that's how often!  "Can I have a job at your magazine or do work experience with you?"
Nope, sorry. Matthew runs the whole shebang from a computer in the corner of his front room during his spare(ish) time. The last thing he needs is a work experience person. He'd have to hoover and everything! As an addendum to this, I'd best make it clear too that if it's a circular email asking mags generally for "proper" publishing terms, I won't even bother answering. See above about doing all this off me own bat.

Okeydoke. Last question on the magazine - where the flip do I get a copy?
Ever since the takeover of Ottakars by Waterstones we've been a little bit homeless. Hopefully one day we'll find another venue from which to hawk our merch!  You can always email us though, and we'll let you know how to get us to post you a copy (currently £2 + 50p P&P). It's well worth it! And of course we regularly appear in the corner of other Poetry & Arts nights (or our own gigs!) in MK with a table full of our wares - look out for us there!

MONKEY KETTLE RECORDS Well, first things first. Can I be on your record label? Sorry, probably not. We largely started it so we could sell our own stuff, to be honest. Once a year we do release compilation albums (the much-celebrated "Monkey Kettle & Friends Rock" series), so there's a slim possibility we might be able to consider you for that - but to be honest we tend to largely include bands we're mates with or that we've come across during our various musical travels in MK during the year. Still - it's easy enough to start your own record label these days, innit! Alright then, sarky. Can I play at any of your gigs? Possibly - see Events, below. And what if I want to BUY one of these fabulous platters? Head to the Records page and see what's spinning...

MONKEY KETTLE EVENTS

Okay. What sort of "Events" you talking about?
We have - over the last five years (2007 - 2011) run a stage at the Great Linford Waterside Festival which is one of Milton Keynes' best summer music and arts events. The last three of those five years we have graduated to running "Stage 2", the second stage, which features a smashing mix of full bands, acoustic artists, up-and-coming youngsters, poetry performers and whatever else we can find that's good. As soon as we know if we'll be asked back again for 2012 I'll let you know.

And...?
Sometimes we do visual arts exhibitions and stuff too. I'll tell you when the next one is as soon as we know too.